


Face It (I'll never be ready for you)

by loochskywalker



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Doesn't go well, First Time Bottoming, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 07:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16719393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loochskywalker/pseuds/loochskywalker
Summary: When Matt falls asleep afterwards Mitch feels the tears well up again. Not sure where they’re coming from but he’s suddenly so scared.He can’t do this just once.





	Face It (I'll never be ready for you)

**Author's Note:**

> This is short, it's angsty as fuck, and feels unfinished but it's all I got. based heavily off of the song better off by Ariana Grande

His name is Nick. He has hazel eyes, curly brown hair, and pale freckles along his cheekbones. He’s cute, there’s no way around it and Mitch wants nothing more than to get his hands under Nick’s shirt, feel him shiver and pull Mitch closer. 

The way he kisses makes Mitch feel slow, like he’s pushing through molasses. It’s intoxicating, searing hot, and when he moans into the bedroom all Mitch can think is how sweet he is. 

Afterwards Brownie and Auston come over for dinner and video games and Nick sticks around. He’s nice and he laughs at the stupid jokes Auston makes. He doesn’t intrude on their video games, choosing instead to watch them bicker between themselves. When he leaves Mitch kisses him one last time and doesn’t even get his phone number.

 

******

 

Logan’s 5’6 and wearing a University of Toronto hoodie when he first catches Mitch’s eye. He’s out with a group of loud and obnoxious friends but he’s quiet, almost fading into the background. But Mitch can’t stop staring. 

When he offers to buy Logan a drink, ask his name, what he studies, Logan’s almost too surprised to respond. He stutters out “Eng...English,” and Mitch decides he deserves this. He deserves a treat like this. Logan is eye level with Mitch’s collarbone and is too shy to look up from his drink and Mitch is halfway to falling in love with him. 

He takes effort, he won’t go home with Mitch that night, not after only a short conversation. But Mitch decides that he’s worth the work. He gets him a ticket to the Leafs game, sends a case of pretentious and ridiculously expensive beer to his apartment, and takes him out to lunch. 

It’s a lot of work but all Mitch can think when Logan gets down on his knees in front of Mitch is that it was so worth it. 

He’s so easy for Mitch to man handle, hold down, absolutely  _ ruin _ . 

Logan is perfect for Mitch in every way, he’s smart, he’s kind, he’s sweet, he’s small. Mitch is two seconds away from asking Logan to stay even as he watches him walk out the door. 

 

******

 

Mitch is 19 when he meets Matt. They sit so close to each other that Mitch can count the little scars that litter Matt’s face. He’s a little drunk, a little far away, a little hazy so he doesn’t even realize how close he’s looking. But Matt catches him staring and just sends him this small, warm smile that makes Mitch throat seize, feel like he’s going to throw up. 

Matt’s older, been around the block a few times. He’s 6 foot 3, he’s 220 pounds, he’s the league leader in hits. 

Mitch wants nothing more than to just hold his hand. 

It’s the Lou Lamoriello haircut that really gets to Mitch though. The way Matt tugs sadly at the ends of his hair like he’s still in mourning, weeks later makes Mitch want to lean over and pull at it as well. Because there’s a lingering sadness in Matt’s eyes that first year, something that feels lonely and so, so painful that Mitch can’t help but ache right back. 

They just. Fit together.

Their lives intertwine and weave together like they were released into this world holding hands. Mitch hates himself for even thinking it but Matt feels like home, he feels like coming back from a long trip. 

When they first meet Mitch keeps it to himself but he lays awake at night wondering why he’s here, in his bed, when Matt lives 5 minutes away.

 

*****

 

Mitch meets Sam in California, because Freddie knows where to pick up guys and they have the same taste. Sam has sandy blonde hair and deep brown eyes that reflect the setting sun in flecks of gold. 

He asks Mitch if he worksout, if he plays sports. He doesn’t even know who Mitch is and that just makes Mitch grin at him. He doesn’t need to be future NHL star Mitch Marner to pick up guys, he can do it all on his own. 

They go back to Sam’s house where he straddles Mitch’s lap and licks slowly into Mitch’s mouth. He tastes like alcohol, like rum, like sugar. His body is warm under Mitch’s hands, like the Californian sun has imbedded itself underneath his skin. 

He rides Mitch like that, and when Mitch throws his head back he feels Sam’s mouth against the hollow of his throat.

 

******

 

Liam is a photographer from New England. He shows Mitch pictures he took of covered bridges, and lakes framed by colorful trees. He doesn’t even notice the way Mitch is pressing closer to his shoulder, the way Mitch keeps eyeing the curve of his neck. 

He’s enthusiastic about his art, so excited that Mitch even wanted to see it. Mitch feels like Christmas morning with Liam and even though he’s not really listening to what Liam is saying, he never wants him to stop talking. 

Liam invites Mitch to a art show at the end of the month. Mitch doesn’t go but as he’s trailing his lips up the neck of some Ryerson student his eyes catch on a clock on the opposite wall and imagines what it would have been like to be celebrating Christmas in October. 

 

******

 

Kissing Matt is like being swept up in a windstorm, out of control, hectic and no way to tell where he’s going to land. Matt holds Mitch tight to his chest, uses a hand on the back of Mitch’s head to guide him through the kiss. Mitch’s fingers flex against Matt’s chest as he just takes, and takes, until he can’t do it anymore.

There’s too much energy buzzing under his skin, like he hasn’t cracked his knuckles in too long, like there’s an itch he needs to scratch just beneath his fingernails. 

When he pushes Matt away, he comes right back, but this time Mitch gets his arms linked around Matt’s neck and can kiss back. 

He never expected to be here, he never thought he was going to end up with this, never thought he’d  _ get this _ . But Matt’s been surprising him since he got here. It’s unnerving, it’s scary, it makes him feel unsteady and uncomfortable. He just never wants it to stop either. 

It’s been so long since Mitch got to his knees but Matt is so beautiful, Mitch wants to treasure every inch of him.

 

*******

 

Casey is Mitch’s size but he’s thicker, stronger, more muscular. He has fever bright eyes, and dirty blonde hair and he makes the hair on the back of Mitch’s neck stand up. He doesn’t know what it is. Matt had said they’d get along and they should. Casey’s funny, he’s energetic, he’s upbeat. He’s everything Mitch should like and yet he wants to rip Casey’s eyes out.

It’s not just Casey though, the whole of Brooklyn feels that way to Mitch, long island, whatever. It’s not a place Mitch wants to be. He wants to go back to Toronto, take Matt with him and never look back.

Because Mitch can see it in Matt’s eyes, that look Mitch had when he first met Matt. This is  _ home _ . 

They beat the islanders that night and Mitch has never been more thankful for a win in his life.

 

*******

 

When Matt asks, “can I finger you?” All Mitch can do is force out a stuttered yes. 

He tries not to tense up, remind himself that being relaxed makes it so much easier but he just...can’t. He’s tight. He’s never done this before. But Matt… Matt is patient with him and soon two fingers don’t make his stomach feel like it’s dropping to the floor and he nods.

Matt gets Mitch’s legs around his hips and stares down at him, kisses him so soft that Mitch barely tenses up when he feels Matt press at his opening. 

He lets out a soft whine as Matt tries to push in but his body doesn’t give.

“You okay?” Matt asks 

And Mitch nods because he doesn’t want to let him down.

Matt kisses him again, deeper, fuller, curling together until Mitch can’t tell where he ends and Matt begins. He almost misses it when Matt pushes in but it’s like having icy cold water dumped on him. He gasps and yanks back staring at the ceiling and feeling his eyes water, just a little.

Matt makes hushing noises and doesn’t move, kissing along Mitch’s cheekbones.

They sit like that, in the dark as they try to breathe through it. But it doesn’t get better, Mitch’s body doesn’t want it.

“Sorry, sorry,” Mitch says, his voice hoarse like he’s been screaming, “I can’t, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Matt says and when he pulls out Mitch believes him.

Matt rocks their bodies together and wraps Mitch up and they cum like that, almost at the same time. 

When Matt falls asleep afterwards Mitch feels the tears well up again. Not sure where they’re coming from but he’s suddenly so scared. 

He can’t do this just once.

 

******

 

When they realize Matt’s being benched for good it’s the beginning of the end. He doesn’t let Mitch stay over night anymore, kisses him hello and goodbye but not in between, and says ‘sorry I can’t hang out tonight, I have to call Casey.” 

As the season comes to an end, as they leave Boston and everything inside Mitch is screaming in pain, Matt tells him that’s it. It’s over. 

Mitch nods because nothing could make him feel worse anyway. He’s numb to all of it.

But then Matt is traded and Mitch saw it coming, knew it was going to. But it doesn’t take away the feeling like Matt is sewn into Mitch’s very being and honestly, Mitch thought he’d be over it by now.

At least now, he thinks, he can go after men who are actually his type instead of settling for a lumbering giant with a calm smile and a soft lisp. 

 

******

 

Cam is feisty. He sets fires with his fingertips and let’s Mitch press his wrists down into the mattress, fuck as hard as he wants. He cums with his teeth pressed into Cam’s collarbone and there’s probably going to be a bruise there tomorrow. 

“You know,” Cam says, “you’re pretty.”

“Yeah,” Mitch has heard that more than enough times, “thanks.”

Cam shrugs, “I just mean, I never thought you’d go for guys like me,” 

Guys like Cam are under 5’10, they have young faces, thick eye lashes. Guys like Cam are thin, artsy, and they giggle. 

Guys like Cam are not guys like Matt.

“Well,” Mitch says with a small smile, “I have my type.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you leave kudos and comment i will love you forever!!!


End file.
